You can learn a lot about paranoid people just by following them around.
You can learn a lot about paranoid people just by following them around.
If Donald Trump was a Sith Lord, his name would be Taxi Vader
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Chuck Norris shot an arrow down with an apple.
Any woman that thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
I hate it when I'm at someone's house and they keep asking stupid questions like "Who are you?" and, "Is that a gun?"
"Of course I have a split personality," said Tom, being Frank.
The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.
I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked."
Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other - so now it's just a waiting game.
Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs.
Yo mamma so ugly even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix it."
A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she asked if her drug test was multiple choice.
Wearing a turtleneck shirt is like being strangled by a really weak person all day.
I drank so much wine last night that when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my wife's bra off, I decided to give up,
I wish I'd never put it on now.
Yo momma so fat she thought planet Earth was her stomach.
She is so blonde, when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went back home.
I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows 95 Windows95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
If we're all God's Children, what's so special about Jesus ?
Germany vs. Brazil in the 2014 World Cup.
I got fired from the calendar factory just because I took a few days off...
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?", laughs at his own joke, then calls animal control.
I used to play Skyrim but then I took an arrow in the knee. Then, I played MW3 until I took a bullet in the elbow. And now, I'm in the hospital wondering why people keep harming me.
your mama is so fat that she weighs 261 pounds.
I tell everyone I can about the health benefits of eating dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness.
I'm tired of all these forced gender neutral terms.
Like the girl I'm going out with insists on calling me just "friend" instead of "boyfriend".
It's a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
I identify as an elongated fish.
People say I'm mentally eel.
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler's outbursts a "temper tantrum."
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis."
I, for one, like Roman numerals
People ask me why I'm so nervous around trees, and I always have the same answer
"They just seem really shady."
I've been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I'm an airport building.
I hope it's not terminal.
Apparently I snore so loud that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
Monday - Greg
Tuesday - Ian
Wednesday - Greg
Thursday - Ian
Friday - Greg
Saturday - Ian
Sunday - Greg
The Gregorian calendar.
I keep asking people what LGBT means.
I never get a straight answer.
My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.
As a programmer, I would make a UDP joke
But you might not get it.
I'm entering into the world's tightest hat competition
I hope I can pull it off.
My wife was just conned into buying an awful used mirror.
It reflects poorly on her.
I just arrived in Australia to surprise my fiance.
She's in London and the wedding's tomorrow.
My imaginary friend's coming to stay tonight.
So I made up a bed for him.
My mailman buddy tells a lot of jokes about undelivered letters.
But no one seems to get them.
Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.
This morning at work my boss told me to "have a great day."
So I went to the pub.
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!
But in the end, he came around.
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves
I was just voted "Least Likely to Succeed" by my graduating class.
I hate being a teacher.
The early bird gets the worm.
But the second mouse gets the cheese
A giant globe fell on my son's face.
He's currently in hospital with sphere injuries.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
When my girlfriend told me that her fantasy was to be abducted, I thought she was joking.
But she demands to be taken, seriously!
The other day I brought myself a universal remote and thought to myself well this changes everything.
I once went on a date with a cross-eyed girl.
It turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
I got a job as a bullet.
I was fired immediately.
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!"
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir!"
After kissing a girl on her sofa she said, "Let's take this upstairs."
"Ok," I said, "You grab one end and I'll grab the other."
My girlfriend says she can't cope with delivering any more babies.
I think it's just a midwife crisis.
Shout out to the people who are wondering what the opposite of in is.
Why don't attractive Spanish people use umbrellas?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
What I if told you.
You read the first line wrong.
Today I have officially been sober for one hundred days.
But not like, in a row or anything.
My sister just had a baby boy, and they've decided to call him Mark, but with a C.
What kind of name is Cark?
I'm trying to be a sociopath, but I'm not that great in manipulating people.
I'm more of a so-so path.
I'm scared of π.
It's an irrational fear.
My mum walked in my room and said, "You'll go blind if you do that!"
I was so embarrassed, I dropped my binoculars and missed the eclipse.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player, but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
31 years ago today the doctor delivered me.
I can't believe I've survived so long without a liver.
My deaf wife just told me that "we need to talk."
That was not a good sign.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I would never vaccinate my kids!
I would rather have a doctor do that.
I couldn't decide how much lettuce to buy, but my wife helped me think through it.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I have this weird talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present.
It's a gift.
If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?
Iron Man is a very confusing character.
I know he's a guy, but he also been Fe Male.
If there are any guitar players here who want to know just one thing about making the best of their instrument....
Stay tuned.
My bald surgeon is the most charismatic man I've ever met.
He's a real smooth operator.
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital "Loo-uh-vul", while 38% say "Loo-ee-ville".
Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I can't believe that even after 20 years, people are still making references to "Friends".
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I tell dad jokes, but have no kids.
I'm a faux pa.
I just bought a border collie.
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
I looked up opaque in the dictionary
But the definition is unclear.
My wife refuses to go to Karaoke with me.
I guess I'll have to duet alone.
My friend has a butler with a missing left arm.
Serves him right.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm currently working knights.
It's very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
I've just seen the new Batman trailer...
But I prefer the Batmobile.
Plastic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Nowadays if you talk about botox nobody raises an eyebrow.
My wife is amazing in bed.
She can fall asleep within minutes no matter how loud the TV is on.
I was going through airport security and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?"
For future reference, "What do you need?" isn't the right answer.
If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don't panic.
You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.
Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?
Diet programs can be very profitable.
They appeal to a very wide audience.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "You know, one would have been enough."
The only thing that flat-earthers have to fear...
Is sphere itself.
What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, always has 6 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Bullets are so weird.
They only do their job AFTER they're fired.
I'm starting a minimalist orchestra.
It's just like a regular orchestra but without the bells and whistles.
Is it really possible to have a "civil" war?
I've been trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but it's not easy.
Good players are hard to find.
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 97% are too lazy to actually read that number.
My wife gets really upset at me for hiding kitchen utensils.
But that's a whisk I'm willing to take.
The only reason I took up running was to hear heavy breathing again.
The only balanced diet I like is a beer in each hand.
If pronouncing my B's as V's makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet.
If I were rich I would give most of my money to the poor.
But I'm poor, so I give most of my money to the rich.
The difference between high school and prison is that no one wanted me during high school.
My wife told me she thought we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.
I told her 'I think you mean fewer'.
Kids in my street are having a water fight and I can't help but join in.
Just waiting on the kettle to boil and I'll be straight out.
I went to the bookstore and asked for a book about turtles.
"Hardback?" asked the worker.
"Yeah," I said. "And little heads."
Animal testing is a terrible idea.
They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and you realise you weren't as hungry as you thought?
I got fired from my job at Pepsi.
I tested positive for Coke.
When the wheel was invented, it started a revolution.
Where there's a will, there's a relative.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize!
I just inherited some dried grapes.
I've put them in my currant account.
Your momma's so fat the only time she sees "90210" is when she's on a scale.
If you don't have friends, just tell a woman that you love her, and she'll tell you you're just friends.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will always remain stationary.
Research shows that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.
Your mom is so stupid she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.
Psychic wanted.
You know where to apply.
My email password has been hacked again.
That's the third time I've had to rename my cat.
Like most people my age, I'm 23.
I remember my grandfather's last words he said to me before he kicked the bucket...
"Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Did you know that the Supreme Court is just a regular court with sour cream?
A man walks into a pole and freezes to death.
If we are a country committed to free speech, then why do we have phone bills?
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Vegans with children named 'Hunter' are why I lie awake at night.
Chuck Norris is the only man who's been to the "Beyond" section of Bed, Bath and Beyond.
Yo mama so poor I sat on the garbage can and she said get off from my roof.
Cinderella played backwards is about a woman who learns her place.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet.
Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal, but he changed his name when the pressure got to him.
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
Yo mama so fat when she jumped in the pool the water jumped out!
I know of no one who is happily married, except my husband.
If it weren't for marriage, women would have to spend most of their adult lives arguing with complete strangers.
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning."
"Thank you very much, sir."
Wife to husband: 'Let's go out and have some fun tonight!'
Husband: 'Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.'
Marriage is spending the rest of you life with someone
you want to kill and not doing it because you'd miss them.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Workplaces are like septic tanks: All the biggest lumps eventually rise to the top.
Marrying a man for his good looks is like buying a house for its paint.
If you want your wife to pay attention to every word you say, try talking in your sleep.
There's a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Chuck Norris doesn't check under his bed for monsters, monsters check on top of the bed to see if Chuck Norris is sleeping.
Chuck Norris can lift up a chair with one hand... While he's sitting on it...
My wife has a contract to give lectures – it's called a marriage licence.
Chuck norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open, so he took it back the next day for a refund
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.
The best way to make somebody remember you is to borrow money from them.
My wife keeps telling me I shouldn't pee in the bath – or if I really have to I should at least wait till she gets out.
A cop once pulled Chuck Norris over...Luckily, the cop left only with a warning.
"A happy marriage is nothing but a give and take relationship; the husband gives and the wife takes."
Chuck Norris can make scissors beat rock.
Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.
Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
What's the difference between Miley Cyrus and a salad? The salad is dressed.
Chuck Norris doesn't tell lies. He changes facts.
Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.
Chuck Norris cut's a knife with butter.
When the President pushes the big red button, Chuck Norris's cell phone rings.
Chuck Norris uses a stunt double during crying scenes.
Chuck Norris donates his beard clippings to the Army so they can make Kevlar vests.
Chuck Norris can whistle in five different languages, including sign language.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Chuck Norris protects his body guards.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me.
I can't tell if I'm depressed or just an adult.
Men are divided into two groups: 50% are wise and 50% have married.
Chuck Norris can put out a fire using nothing but gasoline.
The Guinness Book of World Records is actually Chuck Norris' elementary school report card.
Giraffes were invented when Chuck Norris laid an uppercut to a horse.
When Chuck Norris enters into a courtroom, the judge stands up.
A total eclipse won't look directly at Chuck Norris.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
Chuck Norris can win an argument with his wife.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
When I reached to a desert island I didn't find anybody; so I turned home!
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but Chuck Norris' glare will liquify your kidney.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
The only qualification for working at an airline is making a confused face at a monitor.
Chuck Norris can flip a coin and make it land on both sides at the same time.
Voldemort refers to Chuck Norris as "You Know Who."
Before they met Chuck Norris, the Black Eyed Peas were simply known as "The Peas."
Husband: "Right now, for this Women's Day, I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world!"
Wife: "Oh dear, I will miss you!"
Chuck Norris once shot someone with a knife.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI...
Me: "I'm finally happy!"
Life: "Lol, wait a sec."
Music teacher tells Peter:
"I warn you, if you will not behave, as appropriate, I tell your parents that you have a talent for music."
Chuck Norris can fold airplanes into paper.
My girlfriend said she wanted a perfect holiday, so I had to stay home!
Chuck Norris shot a man to death with an unloaded nerf gun.
Chuck Norris once went to court for a crime, the judge pleaded guilty.
If they made a movie of Chuck Norris standing still, it would be rated R for extreme violence.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off
If Chuck Norris was a spartan the movie would be called "1".
Chuck Norris built the hospital in which he was born.
The Statue of Liberty is alive, but Chuck Norris told her not to move.
When Chuck Norris crosses the pacific, swimming, sharks hear the "Jaws" music.
If Chuck Norris was in a video game it would be called Immortal Kombat.
Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.
Yo' Mama's cooking is so bad, the homeless give it back.
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
Chuck Norris runs until the Treadmill gets tired.
When batman is in trouble, he turns on the Chuck Norris signal.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong.
Night time... when Chuck Norris tells the sun it's time for bed.
75% of women do not eat after 6... shots.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Chuck Norris is the only weapon allowed through airport security
Chuck Norris created the World Wide Web using a typewriter.
Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing.
CAPS LOCK – Preventing Login Since 1980.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
Chuck Norris threw rocks into the ocean and named them Hawaii
Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
Yo' Mama is so stupid, when they said, "Order in the court," she asked for fries and a shake.
Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice Doggy", until your sniper gets the range.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
Yo momma so fat when she goes camping the bears hide their food.
Yo momma so stupid that she brought a ruler to bed to see how long she could sleep.
Clark Kent had to call himself "Superman" because "Chuck Norris" was already taken.
yo moma so stupid when thieves broke into her house and stole the TV she chased after them shouting "wait you forgot the remote".
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Chuck Norris is the only man to punch a cyclops between the eyes.
When Chuck Norris played the card game War with a friend, France surrendered.
Yo' Mama is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a whole species will become extinct.
Yo mama so ugly, even hello kitty said goodbye.
Yo mamas so fat that when she stepped on a scale, buzz lightyear came out and said "to infinity and beyond!"
Chuck Norris takes a meteor shower in the morning to freshen up.
It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat.
Yo momma so fat when she fell, no one laughed, but the ground started cracking up.
The Dilbert Principle: The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management.
If the customer is always right, then why isn't everything free?
A failure in a device will never appear until it has passed final inspection.
I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.
Physics is bound by the laws of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can swim in an empty pool.
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
Transformers are just another name for Chuck Norris' grade 5 science project.
The Grimm Reaper fears the day Chuck Norris comes for him.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Yo momma so fat when she went to the circus the little girl asked if she could ride the elephant.
Film makers are smart enough NOT to make a Chuck Norris movie in 3D.
Your mama so ugly, when she went to a stripping club, they paid her to keep her clothes on.
A few guys tried to follow Chuck Norris during a light workout while he was vacationing in Hawaii. It's now called the Ironman Triathlon.
Before his rise to fame, Jaws was Chuck Norris's goldfish.
Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident, but he still managed to walk it off.
Chuck Norris can get a Pepsi out of a Coke machine.
When Chuck Norris goes through airport security he makes them take their shoes off.
Yo mama is so fat that Weight Watchers said I give up.
Yo Momma is so fat...
That she broke a branch in her family tree!
I offered a blonde a penny for her thoughts... she gave me change!
Yo mama is so fat every time she sits down they add another country to the map.
The Mona Lisa is smiling because Chuck Norris let her live.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: "Let's play Christmas. I'll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I'll give you away."
Sundials tell the time according to the position of Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris donates blood he refuses the needle, he asks for a knife and a bucket.
Yo mama is so stupid, she returned a doughnut cause it had a hole in it.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris leaves messages before the beep.
The winner of tonight's election is the Voyager space probe which is currently traveling at 62,137 km per hour away from the Earth into interstellar space.
Yo momma so fat she downloads cheats for Wii Fit.
Yo mama so fat Mount Everest tried to climb her.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
My girlfriend is like February 30th, she doesn't exist.
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
90% of programmer errors come from data from other programmers.
Chuck Norris once caught AIDS... but then he let it go.
Chuck Norris beat Halo 3 on legendary, with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
Laughing is always good except when you have diarrhea.
Put a "Please Use Other Door" sign on the entrance to your office building if it only has one entrance.
When Chuck Norris was a baby he didn't have teddy bears. He had real bears.
A body in motion will remain in motion until roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris finished the Never Ending Story.
When nature calls Chuck Norris hangs up.
"What were you in civilian life, soldier?"
"Happy, sir."
James Bond was trained by Chuck Norris, as his butler.
When Chuck Norris forgets something it ceases to exist.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
When Chuck Norris finishes his workout, the gym takes a break.
Bruce Springsteen calls Chuck Norris 'The Boss'.
Chuck Norris once won a Scrabble tournament despite getting only Z's and Q's in his rack.
Yo Momma is so fat...
That she makes Godzilla look like an action figure.
Yo mama so old she knew Burger King when he was still a prince.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Sand is created by Chuck Norris shouting at rocks.
Chuck Norris uses a gun to be humane.
Chuck Norris invented zombies so that he can kill his victims again.
I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Three seconds after Chuck Norris was shot, the bullet came out screaming.
Chuck Norris never wears steel toe boots, they make his roundhouse kicks softer.
When Chuck Norris gets pulled over he read the officers his rights.
Yo mama so fat when she burped New Orleans thought Katrina came back to finish the job.
Yes, money cannot buy happiness, but it is much more comfortable to cry in a new BMW than on a bike.
They wanted to put Chuck Norris's face on Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard.
Chuck Norris can spit through bulletproof glass.
Yo mama so stupid she tried to make an appointment with Dr.pepper
There are no such things as Chuck Norris haters...just people with short lives.
Chuck Norris doesn't walk away from explosions, explosions walk away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a bullet proof vest because the bullets wouldn't dare hit him.
I'm not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween, she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
Chuck Norris CAN leave Hotel California.
Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.
An eclipse is just the suns attempt to hide from Chuck Norris.
Yo mamma is so fat, her husband has to stand up in bed each morning to see if it's daylight.
If Chuck Norris met Dora the Explorer, he'd introduce her to his Boots.
Chuck Norris understood the ending of Lost.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt Everest by accident.
Chuck Norris' beard can shave a razor.
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure.
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
Chuck Norris teaches math to solve its own problems.
Yo mama's so fat that when she wore a red shirt, people said hey look koolaid.
Chuck Norris can find the end of a circle.
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
Chuck Norris can walk on water..,he's not God...the water is just afraid of getting him wet.
Chuck Norris got a homerun in bowling.
Yo mama is so fat, she needs two Facebook accounts for her profile picture.
When Chuck Norris lifts weights, the weights get stronger.
Yo mama is so stupid, when I offered her animal crackers she said no thanks, I'm a vegetarian.
Chuck Norris can win a Grammy from coughing.
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
Home is where the wifi connects automatically.
I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.
Chuck Norris can tap dance though a mine field... wearing clown shoes.
When Chuck Norris comes into your house, you are the guest.
The most effective way to remember to buy something to your wife for St. Valentine's Day is... to forget it once!
Yo mama is so stupid that she bought curtains for her computer just because it had Windows.
A wife told his husband to whisper her dirty things, the man then replied, "The kitchen, the living room, the conservatory and the dining room."
Newton's 3rd Law never applies to Chuck Norris.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies close to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't travel at the speed of light, light travels at the speed of Chuck Norris!
Yo mama so stupid, the password needed 8 characters, so she put Snow white and the 7 dwarves.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade you've ever tasted.
There was no Big Bang at the beginning of the Universe, Chuck Norris simply sneezed.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving at 10,000 feet he jumps into the plane... from the ground.
Chuck Norris doesn't beat around the bush, he beats up the bush.
Just the thought of using Chuck Norris in a war is considered a terrible crime against humanity.
Chuck Norris gives Freddy Krueger nightmares.
Chuck Norris can fly a submarine.
Thunder is caused by Chuck Norris rubbing the stubble on his chin.
Your mama so fat she eats ice cream with a shovel.
Yo mama's so fat, she's the reason why the universe is expanding.
Chuck Norris finds it impossible to understand the concept of impossibility.
Davie Jones is afraid of Chuck Norris' Locker.
The fastest, most effective way to learn about servant leadership is to take a puppy for a walk.
You are so old, you walked into an antique shop and they sold you.
Once Chuck Norris signed a cheque and the bank bounced.
Love is one way to get to a persons heart the other is Chuck Norris' fists.
The main distinction between a boss and the Pope is the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
Wife: "There's something preying on my mind."
Husband: "Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation."
Chuck Norris kicked the world once, it hasn't stopped spinning.
When Neil Armstrong first landed on the moon he saw aliens worshiping Chuck Norris's footprints.
Some people break the laws of the state, Chuck Norris breaks the laws of physics.
It's a proven fact that you will go blind faster staring at a picture of Chuck Norris than you would staring at the sun.
If Chuck Norris was on Minute to Win it, they would need 59 seconds of filler.
Chuck Norris was mauled by a bear once, then the bear woke up and apologized.
Chuck Norris donated his heart to a hospital... twice.
Chuck Norris made Newton write 3 laws of physics just to break them... he was having a boring weekend.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't prepare dinner; dinner knows when to be ready.
Chuck Norris made a statue bleed.
Chuck Norris can sit in the shade...in an open field.
I used to think maths was useless, but then one day I realised that decimals had a point.
The biggest SEO problem with trampoline websites is the high user bounce rate!
My ex-wife is so thick, that it is for me, when we meet sometimes, easier to jump her over than to go around her.
Put tape over the optical sensor of someone's mouse.
Yo mama is so fat, the army used her pants for a parachute.
Yo' mama so fat, people exercise by doing laps 'round her!
Did anyone ever notice that "STUDYING" is a mixture of STUDY and DYING?
Yo Momma's so fat that while she's sits on the beach, the lifeguard comes up to her to say, "Excuse me maam, but the tide wants to come in."
"Dad, your Father's Day gift is another year of not having to pay for my wedding."
Evolution's driving mechanism is nature's desperate attempt to escape Chuck Norris.
Remove the shower head and place a chicken bouillon cube in it, then put the head back on.
Chuck Norris once caught a cold, then he killed it!
My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.
Angelina Jolie can curve a bullet. Chuck Norris can curve a laser.
Chuck Norris won the Boston marathon in New York.
Going to war without the French is like going hunting without your accordion.
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.
Chuck Norris once donated blood to a man, hes' known as Super Man.
The Dead Sea was once alive before Chuck Norris bathed there.
Chuck Norris once fell off a ladder, it immediately became a chair and caught him out of fear.
Yo mamma is so fat she doesn't need the internet to be worldwide.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Your momma so ugly she gave Freddy Kruger nightmares.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
If Chuck Norris were president, he would protect the secret service.
Chuck Norris isn't a good shot, his bullets just know better than to miss.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Pal: "My advice for your date is, make her think you're well travelled, girls love it!"
Me: "Guess how many buses it took me to get here."
Yo mama is so fat, she got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack.
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to clear his sinuses.
Chuck Norris can text using a rotary phone.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
Chuck Norris would have attacked the Death Star with the Shield Generator still up.
Hardest job in the world: police sketch artist in China.
Yo mama so fat she got a parking ticket for standing at a crosswalk.
Chuck Norris can close Pandora's Box.
Chuck Norris once caught the Ebola virus, it's been on the run ever since.
Chuck Norris can pop scissors with a balloon.
King Kong climbed the Empire State Building because Chuck Norris was waiting at the bottom.
You could give me 37 years to do homework and I still wouldn't do it until the night before.
Chuck Norris can get a strike in bowling using a ping-pong ball.
We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.
My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.
After twelve years of carrying books to school, you're well prepared for a career in backpacking.
Chuck Norris takes care of his guardian angel.
Yo mama is so fat when she left the room everyone could breathe again.
NASA is negotiating with Chuck Norris about using his roundhouse kick as a propulsion to get to Mars.
Gordan Ramsey:Theres more smoke in this kitchen than Snoop Dogg tour bus.
In the late 80's When Michael Jackson first met Chuck Norris he turned white.
Chuck Norris' pulse-rate is measured on the Richter Scale.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
If you think you have shitty job, what if you were toilet paper!
On Unix, I always hide all of my personal files in the /bin/laden directory.
Leonardo DiCaprio had to ask permission from Chuck Norris to say the famous line "I'm the king of the world."
Chuck Norris always wins at Jenga, the tower couldn't dare to crumble.
Chuck Norris can peel an orange with his eyelids, but he rarely needs Vitamin C.
When you come to a road that says "ONE WAY", that mean Chuck Norris is the other way.
Chuck Norris can take the bridge to nowhere and actually reach his destination.
Chuck Norris's urine is said to add 300 horse power when added to your gas.
Every time I say that I'm ready to order in a restaurant, what I really mean is that I'm not ready but the panic will help me make a decision.
Chuck Norris actually painted all of the colors of the wind.
Chuck Norris can speak French in Russian.
When Chuck Norris falls over, the ground needs a band-aid
Chuck Norris puts all of his baskets in one egg.
Yo mama so fat when she went sky diving in a blue jump suit, all the kids below said, "Ahhhh! The sky is falling!"
Yo mamma so fat she broke the stairway to heaven.
Chuck Norris once leaned on the Tower of Pisa...
Chuck Norris can put out fire with gasoline.
Chuck Norris can skip a track on a cassette.
Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.
When the metal detector goes off at the airport, it is just verifying Chuck Norris walked through.
Yo' Mama is so fat, she buys clothes in three sizes: large, extra large, and "Oh my God, it's coming towards us!"
Chuck Norris can straighten a circle.
Chuck Norris won a game of chess with checker pieces.
Chuck Norris is so fast that when he runs, he can see his back.
Chuck Norris won a staring contest with his eyes closed.
Chuck Norris can get breakfast at McDonald's after 11, at Taco Bell.
Chuck Norris is the greatest thing, period, despite his invention of sliced bread.
Only Chuck Norris can tell you the answer to your question before you ask it.
Even though Chuck Norris' lives in Dallas, Texas, his house still has spectacular views of both the Atlantic and Pacific oceans.
Chuck Norris can finish Mario Bros without using the jump button.
Yo mama is so hairy, King Kong got jealous.
Yo mamma so stupid she tried to eat her iPhone because it had an apple on it!
Your mama so fat she was going to Wal-Mart tripped over kmart and landed right on target!
Dreams about Chuck Norris are in 4D.
Patient: "Tell me how I can repay you for all your kindness."
Doctor: "You can pay by cash, cheque or MONEY order."
Always be yourself. Unless you can be quiet, then be that.
Yo mama so stupid she stuck her face into a book to make a Facebook.
Chuck Norris can smoke underwater.
Yo mama is so fat she turned a monster truck into a low rider.
Chuck Norris can choke you to life.
I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste their time at work?
Your mamas so skinny she swallowed a meatball n thought she was pregnant.
With just two toothpicks, a lightbulb, and his RoundHouse Kick, Chuck Norris can override the Pentagon's computer system.
Chuck Norris once replied to a 'no-reply' mail, and got the answer he wanted.
Chuck Norris doesn't shave, his beard grows to the perfect length and stops.
Chuck Norris sleeps until he tells the sun to get up.
Bob the Builder asks if we can fix it, Chuck Norris already did.
Give Chuck Norris a piece of coal and he'll give you back a diamond.
Yo Mommas so stupid she got lost in a telephone booth.
You mama is so fat when we went to the beach the whales sang, "We are family."
The only exercise I have done this month... is running out of money.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Yo' Mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
Yo' Mama got one eye and one leg. We call her IHOP.
Yo Mama so stupid she put a peephole in a glass door!
Your mum is so fat when she sat at the back of the bus it pulled a wheelie.
Hey girl, your body reminds me of McDonald's, because I'm loving it!
When a married man says "I'll think about it", what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
Yo mamma so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip-flops.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
Your mama's so fat the government forced her to wear tail lights and blinkers so no one else would get hurt.
Yo momma so poor that when she farted she said clap your hands stomp your feet praise to the lord we have heat.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they're all like "we need to talk."
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
You might be a redneck if you're invited to a come as you party and you show up naked.
Paint a bar of soap completely with clear nail polish so it won't suds up.
The last person to enter parliament with honest intentions was Guy Fawkes on 5th November 1605.
Status
I didn't fall down, I attacked the floor.
Yo mama is so stupid, she was looking for bluetooth at the orthodontist.
Yo' Mama's so fat, her scale reads "Game Over."
Your mama so stupid she bought tickets to Xbox Live.
My mother in law's farts are so horrible that I can rent her to governments for using instead of chemical weapons for destroying their enemies!
Yo mamma is so fat when she tried to go to McDonald's she tripped over Wendy's and landed on Burger King.
Yo mama is so stupid when you asked her to grab McDonald's she brings the building home.
The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.
Welcome to the accounting department, where everybody counts.
There's a rumor that Steve Jobs, has been a Buddhist, has been reincarnated as a factory worker on a sweatshop assembly line in China.
You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.
Yo' Mama is so fat, the hippos at the zoo get jealous of her figure.
She is so blonde, she thinks that Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Yo' Mama is so fat, a cop saw her standing alone and told her to break it up.
Yo mama so fat that she fell over and rocked herself to sleep trying to get up.
Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party!
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Theres a Blonde at a computer trying to play a game and it says "press any key to begin" and shes looking at the computer trying to find the any key
Yo mamma is like the sun, stare at her and you'll go blind.
Yo Momma so fat that when she puts on her yellow rain coat and walks down the street people shout out cab!
Your Momma is so fat, she takes her picture with Google Earth.
I couldn't understand why it hurts a lot when you bite your tongue accidentally, but it doesn't hurt when you bite it intentionally, and what I couldn't understand most is why you're biting your tongue right now?!
Yo mammas so ugly, when she looked in the mirror, her reflection said," I quit."
And walked away.
An ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't snore, doesn't watch football, doesn't argue and DOESN'T EXIST.
The thing programming and essay writing have in common: the easier the writing is to use, the harder it is to write.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?"
Yo mama so ugly when she takes baths water hops out.
I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.
Yo mama so fat when she was swimming in the ocean the Indians claimed her as the new land.
You are so old, the candles on your birthday cake raised earths temperature by 3 degrees.
An economist is someone who didn't have enough personality to become an accountant.
Ad from a printer I will not be doing business with: "We offer a full line of pricing options that will meet or exceed your printing budget."
Yo mama so nasty that when she goes to the universal studios children follow her shouting "Shrek! Shrek!"
Don't get upset if I ask you where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.
Women prefer the simple things in life... like men.
I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my playstation.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Your mom's so dumb, she threw the dog and told the stick to fetch!
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
Yo mama so fat when she tossed in her sleep she woke up in another time zone.
Yo Momma is so fat...
that when she wore a blue and green sweater,everyone thought she was Planet Earth.
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
Yo mama is so fat when she farts its noise is just a nightingale.
Yo momma so poor when I walked through her front door I was already out the back door.
Autocorrect can kiss my ask!
When my customer ordered iced tea, I asked, "Sweetened or unsweetened?"
Her answer: "What's the difference?"
A teenager is a hopeless romantic who never falls in love more then twice a week.
Yo Momma's so fat, when she goes to Taco Bell, they run for the border!
I keep hitting "escape", but I'm still here.
Yo momma so fat that they had to install speed bumps at all you can eat buffet.
Yo Mama's so dumb she waited all day at a stop sign.
Yo' mama's breath so nasty, I don't know whether to give her Tic-Tacs or toilet paper!
Fly like a butterfly sting like a bee I slept with yo mama now it burns when I pee.
Instead of saying, "And here's your receipt," cashiers should say, "Will you throw this away for me?"
The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes:
"Parking for drive-through customers only!"
Yo momma is so old that her first Christmas was the first Christmas.
Yo mama so fat she has more rolls than a bakery.
Life is too short to remove USB safely.
Dear haters, I can't help but notice that awesome ends in ME and ugly starts with U.
The water in Rio is so bad that even Usain Bolt had the "runs" in his last race!
A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills.
Every time a someone tells me my jokes are funny, I say, "Thanks! I got more lines than Whitney Huston's coffee table.".
The nose drops "Big smeller" – let's have a blow-out.
Yo' Mama is so old, she went to an antique shop, and they kept her.
Every night I play a game called "Should I pee or can I hold it till morning".
When you give birth to a great idea at work, your boss should give you 2 weeks of maternity leave.
You might be a redneck if your mother carries a lug nut wrench for a toothpick.
Yo' Mama is so ugly, when she were born, the doctor didn't know which end to slap.
Who needs rocks? Windows breaks itself...
Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I hate my mother in Law."
The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles, then."
Grandma: "Why is that dumb piece of cotton candy talking."
Me: "Grandma, that's Nikki Minaj."
We're all self-made but only the rich and successful like to admit it.
I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them.
When Norris hits the road, he destroys it.
I would make a science joke but all the good ones ARGON.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"
Yo mama is so stupid that she thought starbucks are money in space.
Yo mama so old she ran track with the dinosaurs.
huck Norris was supposed to star in the tv show 'Man vs Wild', but the network did not want kids thinking 'lava is safe to eat'.
All these Miley Cyrus jokes are whoreable.
Yo' Mama is so nasty, when I asked what was for dinner, she took off her shoe and said, "Corns."
Yo mama so fat she has more chins than a Chinese phone book.
Yo mama is so fat when she ordered a waterbed, I gave her the atlantic ocean.
Yo mama so ugly when she went to sleep Freddy Krueger was scared of her.
Yo mama so old Moses is in her year book.
Seven days on a honeymoon make one hole weak.
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.
Doc, I think I need to wear glasses
Indeed you have to, you are in a bank.
Yo mamma so stupid, when I said lets hit the dance floor, she stated hitting it.
I farted in a room of hipsters and I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.
Drake Bell: In honor of Kim and Kanye's baby "North West" I will be naming my first son "Taco".
Being single is cool cause you can eat a whole jar of pepperoncinis and spend the rest of the night farting spicily into the abyss.
Kim and Kanye naming their baby North West is just like Brad Pitt naming his kid Arm.
Your mommas so fat when criminals break out of jail they hide behind her.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
Why does Rick Ross rap about cars when he can't fit in them.
Your momma is so ugly when she gets her beauty sleep she falls into a coma!
I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.
Angry geek dad shouted to kid, "End of discussion; Semicolon;"
There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
Yo' Mama is so poor, she eats cereal with a fork to save milk.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.
Nothing beats a beautiful woman who can sing... except Chris Brown.
Yo' mama is so bald, when she wears a turtleneck it looks like a busted rubber.
Yo mama so stupid someone said Christmas was around the corner and she went looking for it.
Alcohol doesn't make you FAT... it makes you LEAN... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people!
Yo momma so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds.
I hear Taylor Swift's ex boyfriends are collabing on a new single called "Maybe You're The Problem".
Life is all about mind and matter - I don't mind and You don't matter...
Yo mama's so fat, that her MySpace has no space.
Your mama so fat, that she can use herself as a bowling ball and get 10 strikes in all of the lanes!
Doctor (to a patient): "You must take four tea-spoonfuls of this medicine before every meal."
Patient: "Doctor, we've only 3 spoons at home."
Take a squirt gun into the rest room stall next to someone and shoot little drops over the wall every couple of seconds while pretending to pee.
If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.
Madonna is 54 and her boyfriend's 25, Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriend's 26, so if you're single its ok, maybe he's just not born yet.
Maths and Girls are the most complicated things, but Maths at least has some logic.
Yo Mama is so skinny, every time she hiccups she does a backflip.
Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels!
Yo mama so stupid that when you told her the mouse on her computer was broken she took it to the vet.
Seems like school and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
One woman to another at a singles bar: "I'm not as optimistic about relationships as I used to be. These days, when I meet a man, I ask myself, 'Is this the guy I want my children to spend every other weekend with?'"
I don't understand why people pay shrinks when I'll tell them what's wrong with themselves for free.
We never knew he was a drunk... until he showed up to work sober.
Yo' Mama is so fat, her stair master has a dinner tray attached.
Yo Momma is so fat...
when she took her shirt off at the strip club,everyone thought she was Jabba The Hut from Star Wars.
Yo momma's like a "Happy Meal" small, cheap and greasy.
I'm tired 8 days a week.
If I wanted a warm fuzzy feeling, I'd antialias my graphics!
"Backspace key"... hiding feelings since ages.
Yo' Mama is so poor, her bathroom consists of a tin can and a pile of leaves.
Yo' Mama is so ugly, when she walked past the toilet, it flushed itself.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Yo mamas so ugly, she scares blind kids away.
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
Your momma so ugly her face is used as an x ray in mortal kombat X.
Not the people who posted this sign at a bookstore that was going out of business: "Sorry, no public restroom. Try amazon.com."
Yo mama so poor the I saw her rolling a can and said what are you doing she said moving!
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
Yo' Mama is like a blimp: a huge spectacle that's full of gas.
It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
If there are two people in an elevator and one of them farts everybody knows who did it.
Yo Momma so fat and ugly that when she applied to become a movie star she got the part "Godzilla".
Yo mamma so small she uses a Dorito for a hang glider.
Yo mama's so fat that even Barack Obama couldn't afford to take her out to dinner.
Yo mamma so fat she broke your family tree.
Yo mama's so fat that when she jumped into the ocean a hurricane began.
Yo' Mama is so ghetto, her wedding cake was made of cornbread.
Yo mamma so stupid she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to turn green.
Yo mama so slow that when she tried to cross the road she got a parking ticket.
Your mom is so fat when she jumps all the oceans disappear.
Yo mama so fat I thought of her in my head and I broke my neck.
Yo mama so poor she bragged about the time she almost ate at a restaurant.
"Walker Texas Ranger: The Movie 3-D" was considered by Warner Brothers; however the technology to create the visual effects will never be possible.
E-mail returned to sender, insufficient voltage.
When you have a man staring at a naked Playboy model, be sure that he doesn't wonder if she knows cooking, or if she plays piano or if she has a nice personality either!
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, a hipster will buy it on vinyl.
My New Years resolution is 1080p.
You know you're getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
It only rains twice a year in Seattle: August through April and May through July.
Every time you're sad, just remember that somewhere out there a tree grew for years and years, but was then destroyed and became material for a Justin Bieber notebook.
Yo mama so dumb that when she looked in a mirror she yelled stop copying me.
Yo mama so fat that when she works out too long she starts sweating cooking oil.
I may look calm, but in my mind I have killed you three times already.
Yo mamma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose.
Yo mamma is so fat when she went to the movie theater people said "Look at king Kong in 3D."
Yo mama's so dumb that when she saw the "Under 17 not admitted" sign at a movie theatre, she went home and got 16 friends.
Yo Mama's just like peanut-butter...she spreads for bread !
You might be a redneck if a police officer pulls you over to ask for your driver's license and your address is the county jail.
Yo mama so fat when Dracula bit her he said "1 diabete, 2 diabete, 3 diabete".
A dog is the only thing on Earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
Yo' Mama is so poor, my jack-o-lantern gets better dental work then she does.
Mission Statement: A long awkward sentence that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
Your teeth are so yellow when you opened the popcorn packet it said "We are family."
A teacher:"John, I hope I won't see you're cheating."
John:"Me either."
Find a sleeping person, fill their hand with shaving cream and then tickle their nose.
I like my girl to be Hannah on the streets but Miley in the sheets.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly she is not your friend anymore...
Life may not be worth living, but what else can you do with it?
God tried to make everyone different. He got bored by the time he got to China.
Yo' Mama is so fat, local night clubs had to put up signs that read, "Maximum Occupancy: 240 or Yo' Mama."
Yo Momma's so fat she supplies 99% of British gas.
Yo mama is so fat that she took geometry at the school because she heard there will be some pi.
Do files get embarrassed when they're unzipped?
I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.
Yo mommas so stupid she failed a survey.
Yo mama's so fat when she made a YouTube account the entire network crashed.
Yo' Mama is so skinny, she uses dental floss for toilet paper.
Yo Momma's so fat she sank the Titanic!
Yo mama so dumb,when she got an "F" on her test, she thought it mean Fantastic!
There was a statistician that drowned crossing a river... It was 3 feet deep on average.
That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you put another dish in the sink.
Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Yo moma so fat she jumped off the Grand Canon and got stuck.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
Superman's weakness isn't kryptonite, it's obvious who it is...
Men call us birds, is that because of all the worms we pick up?
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she saw a "Wet Floor" sign and did what it said.
You know you're a redneck if your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.
Yo mama is so ugly that she could be the poster child for birth control.
The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink.
Yo' Mama is so fat, she puts in tampons with a bazooka.
I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Yo Momma has so many chins, it looks like she's wearing a fat necklace!
Yo mama so fat that she walked out to a party wearing heels and came back wearing flip-flops.
Install the Blue Screen of Death screen-saver on someone's computer.
Yo mamma is stupid she bought tickets to Flo ridas concert but instead she went to Florida.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Place a pair of pants and shoes inside the only toilet stall in a rest room to make it appear someone is using it all day.
Fill someone's hair-dryer with baby powder.
Your mama so fat when she goes in Wal-Mart and goes out it's gone.
Your mama's so fat she asked for a water bed and we threw a blanket on the ocean.
Yo momma's so old if she were a car it would be time to roll back her odometer.
Yo mama so fat when they took pictures of Earth it looked like Earth had a pimple.
Yo Momma is so old that her bus pass is in hieroglyphics!
Two politician are having lunch together, all of a sudden one stood up and shouted, "Your lying."
The other replied, "I know but just hear me out."
Yo mama is so fat when she wears red they say look a firetruck.
Yo mama so fat that she could use a bra as a parachute
Yo mama is so stupid that when she got on a motorcycle she didn't know how to open the window.
...and then the devil said, "Let's put the alphabet into mathematics."
Yo' Mama is so nasty, it sounds like Velcro when she takes her panties off.
Your nails are so long when you come around the corner the police arrested you for dangerous weapons.
Scooby Doo prefers Norris snacks'.
Chuck Norris filmed the making of the first camera.
Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women.
I looked into a blonde's eyes, but all I saw was the back of her head!
Stevie Wonder recently told his wife that he wants to see other people.
Apparently Neil Armstrong use to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and followed them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there."
I'm not usually one to tell someone how to do their job, which is probably why my promotion to management only lasted a week.
For Chuck Norris, ANYTHING counts in horseshoes and handgrenades.
Yo Momma so fat she has seat belts on the chairs to keep her fat from rolling off!
Yo' Mama is like my cell phone plan: 10 cents a minute anytime, anywhere, no restrictions.
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
Your mama is so stupid she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer.
Yo mama so old she used a walker when Jesus was born.
If money doesn't grow on trees why do banks have branches?
Yo mama's so fat the only alphabet she knows is her KFCs.
If you need Facebook to remind you it's your wife's birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
Yo momma so fat her legs are like spoiled milk, white and chunky.
Yo mama's so old her breast milk is powdered.
Yo momma is so old, they use strands of her hair to carbon date dinosaur fossils.
Yo' Mama is so fat, instead lint in her belly button, she's gathered full sweaters.
I'm so hipster, even I've never heard of my favorite band.
Yo' Mama is so fat, she gets her nails done at the auto shop.
Yo mom a so fat she wore a Malcolm x shirt and a helicopter landed on her.
Yo momma so fat that when she was seated in the last row, the plane couldn't get off the ground.
Yo mama so fat, her portrait fell off the wall.
Yo mama's so dumb, she thinks socialism means partying!
You should try the new Starbucks terrorist latte... it has a white fluffy head with 2 shots in it.
Yo momma is so poor for Christmas she got a box, put two sticks on it, spun it and said son here's your xbox 360.
If you want to drive your wife crazy don't talk in your sleep, just smile.
Yo mama nose is so big she could smell what the rock was cooking before he started cooking.
If Santa comes down the chimney this year and tries to stuff you in his sack, don't worry, because I wished for you for Christmas.
Yo Mamma so stupid she put on bug spray before she goes to the flee market!
Yo mama is so old in her time Burger King was know as Burger Prince.
Wedding anniversaries are a time when men pause and reflect on what it was they did before they were married: anything they wanted to.
Your mama is so ugly that I guess you can say that the genes passed down.
Walker Texas Ranger wasn't an action crime drama, it was a documentary.
A waiter walks up to a table of old ladies eating their lunch and asks, "Is anything OK?"
You mama is so fat, when she goes to the movies she sits next to everyone!
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Yo mama is so fat it took her three whole months to get through a door.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Teacher: Be sure that you go straight home
Student: I can't, I live just round the corner!
Yo mama so ugly when she auditioned for a horror movie they sent her to a professional!
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she jumped off a cliff and stopped for directions.
Yo momma so fat, when shes falling out the sky, people thought it was meteor shower.
Yo momma is so poor she ran after a trash can truck with her shopping list.
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she reported her stolen crack to the cops.
Yo' Mama's teeth are so yellow, when she closes her mouth, her cheeks light up.
Yo' Mama is so poor, when she picks a booger, she yells, "Clap your hands and stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got meat!"
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she thought the international dateline was a global dating service.
To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.
Your Mother is so fat, her water heater needs a nuclear reactor.
Yo' Mama's head is so big, she dreams in IMAX.
Yo mama so fat she stepped on a Nintendo GameCube and turned it into a Gameboy.
Yo mama so ugly that when she delivered a little baby after birth the baby saw mum and screamed "It's a gorilla!".
It's so quiet in the Hollywood Starbucks this morning, you can hear a name drop.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for 20 minutes.
Yo mama is so old that when she breastfeeds it's just powder.
Yo mama cooking so bad, the flies chipped for a screen door!
Yo' daddy's so ugly, when he looked out the window he was arrested for mooning!
Yo mamas so fat she fits on both sides of the bed.
Yo Momma so fat, she's gotta wake up in sections.
POST Server image uploads in android are easy.
Three cheapskates try to figure out a way of killing themselves with one bullet – so they put their heads together.
Yo mama's so fat, Godzilla tried to fuck her and fell in.
Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.
Life is a car wash ... and I'm on a bicycle.
I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I've never been there.
COP: "When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
LADY: "You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."
Yo' Mama is so nasty, simply bathing is part of her weight loss program.
Your mama is so black when God saw her he said "Oh man I burnt one again."
Walker Texas Ranger was actually a reality show.
Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Yo mamma so hairy she has afros on her nipples.
One good thing about graduation is that you get to wear a funny hat that makes your brain look larger than it actually is.
Yo momma is so fat when she sat on da toilet it said here's a carrot and a diet coke.
Yo' Mama is so fat, she has a kickstand on her peg leg.
Yo' Mama is so nasty, she put ice down her pants to keep the crabs fresh.
Yo' Mama is so nasty, her crabs use her tampon string as a getaway rope.
If you really want to loosen your pectineus, you should skip the squats and let me stretch them out.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Yo momma so fat, she leaves stretch marks in the tub.
Yo' Mama is so nasty, she uses bacon as bandages.
I don't always go to the gym, but when I do, I make sure Facebook knows about it.
Yo Momma's so stupid that she burned down the house with a CD burner.
"Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!"
Yo Momma is so stupid when she asked me what kind of jeans am I wearing I said Guess and she said Levis.
Never borrow money from optimists – they always expect to get it back.
Is Lady Gaga wonder woman because we all wonder if she's a woman?
Yo' Mama is so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, the kids yell, "Here comes the school bus."
Your mama is so ugly she jumps and the gravity did not return.
Yo mama so round and fat that she makes an eclipse with the sun.
Your mama so ugly when god was making light he told her to step out the way.
Yo mommas so poor the roaches pay the light bill!
Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape... to play Santa Claus.
Yo momma so FAT, she can't save files bigger than 4 GB.
Yo mama so ugly it caused Godzilla to go back to the ocean.
Happy Father's Day to the only person on the planet still willing to employ me.
"I can't wait for Father's Day" said no man ever.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
If you catch a man...throw him back.
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Dogs may shed, but cats shred.
The friend of my mother has taken look at the photo on which I was and has said: "yeah, the stepfather of Johnny is a real expert of breeding of meaty pig types."
Usain Bolt is so fast I saw a Cheetah giving him a High 5.
In an official mandate, 'Walker, Texas Ranger' DVD discs have been ordered to replace the armor plating in all bulletproof vests.
Five liters of bean soup for dinner – let's spend the night with the gas mask!
You mamma so fat that she has to use the ocean for a bathroom.
Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
Yo Mama is so stupid, she threw a baseball at Batman.
Yo mama is so old, that when she farts all that comes out is dust.
Yo mama so hairy when she went to space the aliens thought she was Chewbacca.
Your mama so old she was friends with Cleopatra.
Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
Money isn't everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.
The one thing I've learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn't mastered the haircut.
My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Yo momma is so fat that she uses the Great Wall of China wall as a belt.
Yo mama so dumb she used old spice body wash to cook.
Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decaf.
Yo Momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
Your moma is so ugly...she could make medicine sick!
Yo Mama so ugly, that when she entered a haunted house, she came out with an application.
A foo walks into a bar, takes a look around and says: "Hello world!"
Yo mama so ugly that she saw herself six ways in the mirror!
Yo mamma is so fat that she's a call of duty map!
Yo mama is so ugly, Bob the Builder said: "holy fuck we can't fix that."
If I wanted some comeback, I'd wipe it off your chin!
Yo mama is so poor, I went to her place for dinner the other day, and when I asked what we were having, she put her foot up on the table and said "corn !".
Chuck Norris doesn't make threats, he makes promises.
The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke.
Yo' Mama is like a telephone book: available to the public, no charge.
Yo' Mama is so poor, she considers the give-a-penny/take-a-penny cups part of her own "Save Yo' Mama" foundation.
Toilets are like mothers-in-law:
the farther away the better.
'My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
Money spoils people, thus folks of Sierra Leone are really good.
Yo' mama so stupid, she walked into an antique shop and asked, "What's new?"
Yo mama so stupid, she thought Ewoks were just Homeless Care Bears on drugs.
Yo mama is so stupid she married a carpenter just to get nailed.
Hide an alarm clock in someone's bedroom and set it for 3:00 a.m.
Yo mama so fat the only liquor she knows is liquorice.
Yo mama is so stupid that she went to the store to buy a color TV and asked what colors they had.
Yo' Mama is so nasty, her farts are classified as biological weapons.
Yo mama teeth are so yellow when she smiles traffic slows down.
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Either the woman at the back of the train has two really ugly children, or two seriously cool Pokemons.
How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?
Hit any user to continue.
Yo' mama so stupid, she thought the Blizzard of '96 was a new item at Dairy Queen!
Yo mama farts so much there is a reason why Jupiter is made out of gas.
Yo mama so poor when I went to her house and picked up a paper plate she yelled "Not my good china!"
Chuck Norris was only twice angry, and those times are known as WWI and WWII.
My life may be a mess but I know the difference between "Your" and "You're"-
Exasperated dragon on the field of battle: "Mother said there would be knights like this."
Yo' mama so poor, she fills her ice trays with toilet water!
You are so old, you fart dust.
Yo mama is so fat when she sat on Wal-Mart she lowered the price.
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
Yo' Mama is like a bag of chips: Fri-to-lay.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
Chuck Norris stood next to a bear and was told he had to leave because the bear was scared.
Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.
After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.
Your momma is so ugly when she look in the mirror it shattered.
Happy Father's Day to someone who knew long before me that all the boys I brought home were jerks.
Yo mama so fat, that when she got on the titanic, it sunk right away, and the only reason that this story is different is because the people who've told others about it were scared that she would sit on them.
Yo mama is so fat she has to write an apology letter to Japan.
Yo mamma so stupid when she went to the library to get an application for a library card they said: "I need your ID" she gave them an EBT card.
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
Yo Mommas teeth are so yellow I can't believe it's not butter.
The first half of life if ruined by your parents, the second by your kids.
My mother-in- law is so cross-eyed, that when she cries the tears roll down her back!
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she poured a bowl of Cheerios and said, "Look, my alphabet soup spells 'Ooooo.'"
Yo mama so ugly Lady Liberty blew her torch out so she wouldn't have to see her.
"And so, God came forth and proclaimed widescreen is the best"
Sony 16:9
Sometimes I use really big words which I don't understand to make me seem more photosynthesis.
Yo momma so fat, she fell into a black hole and it clogged!
I would actually use Siri if the voice sounded like Morgan Freeman.
Yo mama so fat when she went swimming, The Japanese harpooned her and took her back to Japan to sell her blubber.
Every mobile phone user has complained like this:
Don't text me while I'm in the middle of texting you, because now I have to change the whole text.
Yo mama so old her drivers license in hieroglyphics.
Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
Italy looks like a boot... you know who owns that boot.
Yo' Mama is so nasty, she put a cucumber in her panties and pulled out a pickle.
Yo' Mama is so ugly, when I walked past your fence, she came out barking.
Yo' Mama is so dirty, she has to use Right Guard and Left Guard.
Yo' Mama is so skanky, when the waiter brought out her strip steak, she asked where to tuck the dollar bills.
Yo' Mama is like a race car: she burns through four rubbers a night.
Yo' Mama is so ugly, she has to sneak up to water fountains to get a drink.
Yo' Mama is so fat, the donut shop accused her of stealing their jelly rolls.
Your so poor, I stepped in your house and stepped on a cigarette, and your mom said, "Who turned of the lights".
Yo mama so fat that when she sat on a rainbow she made Skittles!
Is everything expensive or I'm just poor?
Yo mama so fat when she fell on my iPod it became an iPad.
Yo mamas so ugly when Bob the builder saw her he said "Oh cannot fix that."
Yo mama so fat when she looks in the mirror the mirror said: "oh no get out the way."
Yo mama so fat when she went rolling down a hill no one could pick her up.
Client to designer: "It doesn't really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue."
Happy Father's Day to a dad who was smart enough to teach me how to mow the lawn so he wouldn't have to.
Please let me know in advance if you want to invite any secret love children to your Father's Day brunch.
There was a fire at the local tax office but the fire brigade managed to put it out before any serious good was done.
Yo' Mama is so old, she calls her waterbed the Dead Sea.
Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
Yo' Mama is so poor, when she farts, her holey underwear whistles.
Yo' Mama is so stupid, her wig has a chinstrap.
Yo' Mama is so dirty, roaches check into her laundry basket, but they don't check out.
Yo' Mama is so nasty, when she walks the dog, they both use the same bush.
Yo momma so poor I farted in her house and she bowed her head, stomped her feet and praised the lord saying " we got heat".
Yo momma so fat that when she went to her prom she literally raised the roof.
Yo' Mama is like a campfire: everyone gets to stick their wiener in.
Misers are lousy to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Yo mama so fat and poor the only thing she could afford to eat was grease.
Yo' Mama is so nasty, when her dog farts, she takes the credit.
Your mother is so fat, that when she jumped for joy, she got stuck!
My uncle is with the FBI. They caught him in Cleveland.
Kobe Bryant wears the number 24 to remind himself about how many seconds he has to hog the ball.
Yo mama so fat her chairs are buildings.
Your mama so fat she climbed up hill and fell back down.
Is Snoop serious? Or is Snoop Lion?
Yo momma so fat, she bounced over Wal-Mart, rolled over KMart, and landed on target.
Marriage is a workshop, where man works and woman shops.
Yo mama so stupid she thought that 2 quarters were the famous singer every one said wow she's so "right".
Yo Mama's so fat, she makes Jonah Hill look superbad at gaining weight.
Your mama so dumb she thought the shoes Vans are actually vans.
Snooki is so short and orange that she works part time as a traffic cone.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Yo mama so fat when she walked out in August in her yellow sun dress and the kids said mommy its time for school.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."
Yo Mama is so fat and ugly she and Godzilla are twins.
My mother has painted a picture with such cold colours that if I want to take a look at it closely, I must have an anorak, the gloves, the winter cap and a scarf on, not to freeze.
Yo momma so skinny she looks like a mic stand.
Yo' Mama has more crabs than Red Lobster.
Your mama is such a whore, that all the men use her just like a roundabout, everyone take's a turn
Yo' Mama is so skanky, her crabs ride dune buggies.
Yo' Mama is so nasty, her flyswatter doubles as a spatula.
Yo mammas so fat they had to make a new number.
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
'A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.'
Bob Hope
Turtle to turtle: "Don't ya just love the sound of rain on your roof?"
According to leading scientists, the deadliest animal on the planet is the Bearded Norris.
Your Moma is so fat the only words she knows is the universe.
'Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.'
Spike Milligan
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Yo' Mama is so fat, when she rubs her legs together, I smell bacon.
Yo' Mama is so flat, pirates can't wait to get their hands her a sunken chest.
Yo mama's so fat, she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phonebook.
You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.
Yo' Mama is so fat, I had to dip her in flour to find her wet patch.
Yo Momma is so fat, she can sit on a t3 cable and make the internet traffic slow right down to 1 bit per day.
Why is it that when a man talks nasty to a women it's sexual harassment, but when a women talks nasty to a man it's £3.99 a minute?
Lawyer's creed – a man is innocent until proven broke.
Yo' Mama is so dumb, if her brains were farts, there wouldn't be enough to stink.
Yo' mama so stupid, she told me to meet her on the corner of "walk" and "don't walk."
They called him the king of the dentists because he specialized in crowns.
If tinder has taught me one thing it's that there is an extraordinary amount of single girls named Shelby that love to ride horses
Yo mamas teeth are so yellow she helped Dorothy get to the emerald city.
Yo mama is stupid, she put a book in her friend face and named facebook.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I thought I was at a Nikki Minaj concert for 20 minutes before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a pigeon.
I wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
Yo mamma's so fat when she falls off a hill people call avalanche.
Yo momma is so stupid... she tried to climb mountain dew!
"My wife and I always compromise, I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me."
I don't understand why I'm single my hobbies include smelling my own hair and bragging about how I'm immune to bats.
5 stages of being single: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, texting your ex something random then going like "sorry wrong message".
Light was heard saying to his son, "Keep practicing and one day you will be faster than the speed of Usain."
Ten years without brushing causes horrible tooth decade.
My kids get along great when they're sleeping.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can rent it for a couple of hours.
A diner complained, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
His waiter replied, "That's entirely possible; our cook used to be a tailor."
Yo mamma so fat and scary, Godzilla watches "yo mamma" movies!
Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
Yo mama so fat if she falls it's defcon zero.
Yo mama is so black when she went outside the street lights turned on!
Yo mama's feet are so ashy, it looks like she kicks flour for a living.
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
Kind of surprised hipsters haven't started tying their beard's in man buns yet.
Yo mama's so skinny, she used a needle for a baseball bat.
If I had my whole life to live over again, I don't think I'd have the strength.
Companies are working on a camera which has such a fast shutter speed that it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut. Advance Booking open!
Yo mama is so stupid that she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate".
I hope this gas station sells Father's Day cards.
Yo mama is so old that she's mentioned in the shout out at the end of the bible.
Yo mama so old when she raised her eyebrows they fell off.
Two cannibals are eating an atheist, and one says to the other, "Can you believe the way this guy tastes?"
One guy says to a bald guy "Your hair ran away to find someone with a brain."
When Adam asked Eve out for dinner she replied: "Oh I'd love to, but I haven't a thing to wear."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Yo mama so old her social security number is 3!
Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
Yo' Mama is like a heavyweight boxer: a few licks, a few blows, and she's back to her corner.
He was a very keen lawyer, he even named his daughter 'Sue'.
Yo Momma so fat she wears a vcr as a beeper.
Yo' Mama is so fat, when the cops see her on a street corner, they yell, "Hey you guys, break it up!"
Yo' Mama is so fat, when she visits the doctor, they need a forklift to get her on the examining table.
Your mamas feet are so scaly you can see crocodile dundy in her foot bath.
Yo Mama's so stupid I asked her to buy me a pare of sneakers and she came back with 2 candy bars.
This elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up.
I wouldn't say that inflation is making my life difficult, but I'm now starving on an income I used to dream about.
Marriage is not a lottery – you get a chance in a lottery.
You mama so bugle one detection went the other direction.
If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would fart.
Yo mama's so stupid when she cries for help she says "come here please".
So I heard the reason Usain Bolt is so fast is because his offseason training consists of going back home and hitting on dudes.
Yo mama so fat when she climbed into the attic she fell into the basement.
Yo mama so fat that when she played Xbox live you can see her face sticking out of your tv screen.
Yo' Mama is so stanky, she gets sourdough yeast infections.
Budgeting: When you work out that the money you owe is exactly the same as the money you spent.
Yo momma is so fat she was walking down the street, tripped and broke her leg and gravy rolled out.
Yo mama is so skinny that she eats a nut and thoughts that she's pregnant...
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
To give you an idea of the kind of season we've had, the person who handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.
You momma's teeth are so nasty the bitch spits yoohoo.
Yo mama is so stupid that when a teacher told the class nobody is perfect, he replied, "I want to become nobody!"
One goldfish to his tankmate: "If there's no God, who changes the water?"
Yo mama is so fat that it's still printing her picture she took during her last Christmas.
Yo mama is so fat that she has to buy three airline tickets for her flight.
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she thought Meow Mix was a rap CD for cats.
In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed whereas in college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she thought a ribbed condom was soul food.
Teacher: "Name five things that contain milk."
Pupil: "Butter, cheese, ice cream ... and two cows."
If you want to know God's opinion of money just look at the people He gave it to.
'Money frees you from doing things you dislike, since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.'
Groucho Marx
Yo mamma so fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out.
Yo' mama so fat, when she was a baby, she took a bath with a rubber albatross.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Yo mama is so poor, I saw her kicking a can down the street and I asked her, "What are you doing?" and she said, "Moving".
Yo momma is so poor the ducks throw bread at her.
Two blondes walk into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
As an ion chromatography chemist I made this one up:
Anions aren't negative, they're just misunderstood.
Yo' Mama is so stupid, when her batteries die, she buries them.
Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
"Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearing tights!"
Yo mamma is so fat, when she went on a cruise, a walrus jumped aboard and started singing 'we are family'.
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she taped toilet paper to her TV set for free paper view.
You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
Yo mama is so ugly she made the ugliest person in the world cry.
My eyelids are so sexy, I can't keep my eyes off them.
Money talks – all mine says is 'Goodbye!'
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she smashed open her TV hoping to find a TV dinner.
YO momma is so old, I slit her throat and dust came out!
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
I wouldn't say Harry was mean, but last Christmas Eve he fired a pistol in the garden and told the kids Santa had committed suicide.
Yo mamma so fat that why people think the Earth is flat.
Yo mama so fat even dora can't explore her.
Yo mamma so fat not even Dora can explore her.
Yo mama's lips are so big when you smile you wet your hair.
A friend of mine often tells to his wife: "It is better to be loved and almost the only one rather than to be the only one and almost loved..."
"Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them."
Using a credit card is a convenient way to spend money you wish you had.
If God had meant us to pay taxes, he'd have made us smart enough to fill in the return form.
Yo mama is so fat Jesus can't hold her holy spirit.
'How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars...' Steve Martin
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she tried to put the leftover orange juice back in the rind.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
Yo Mamma so fat I took a picture of her last month, and it's still printing.
Yo mama so stupid that when I was drowning I yelled out to her that I needed a life saver and she said "Cherry or grape?"
Yo Mama's so loose it's like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.
A man goes into a bank and asks the cashier to check his balance, so the cashier pushes him over.
All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness...All most people want is a chance to prove money can't make them happy.
Yo' Mama is so fat, she uses transport trucks as roller skates.
What I want to know is how did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
I drink so much alcohol I'm afraid to smoke.
Some advice for guys: When the red river's flowin', take the dirt road.
Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
A mink in the wardrobe often leads to a wolf at the door.
After any salary rise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Good advice for cocktail parties: If you can't say something nice about someone, just hold your drink and listen to others who can't either.
A worm gets out from cherry compote and, after he stretches a little, says satisfied:
I love sauna!
Yo mama so scary, every time someone throws shots, she calls the police.
Yo mamma so stupid she puts a piece of paper on the TV and says, "I'm watching paper-view."
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she thinks the Wu-Tang Clan is a Japanese orange drink company.
What are the similarities between a new wife and a tornado, there's a lot of suckin and blowin and then u lose ur house.
"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped.
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she called the police to report a suspicious looking person lurking in her mirror.
My wife has given me a reason to live – revenge.
Abraham Lincoln can finish a play better than the 2013 Broncos.
The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.
Bruce lee does not drink water, he drinks WATAAAA.
Yo' Mama is so flat, the last time she felt a breast was in a KFC bucket.
Yo mama so poor when I ring her buzzer she says, "bzzzzzzzzz."
Teacher: Can you tell me where Napoleon came from? Pupil: Course I can. Teacher: Very good.
Yo mamma so ugly that her birth certificate came with an apology letter from the condom factory.
Yo mama is so stupid she tried to commit suicide by jumping out the basement window.
My wife constantly complains that I never listen to her... Or something like that.
Most babies born today are very young.
Yo mama so stupid she though iHop was a gym!
Yo mama's so technologically unsavvy, she leaves out pieces of cheese next to the computer!
Yo mama so stupid she tried to make an appointment with Dr.pepper.
Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing.
A burglar breaks into a house and is quietly and expertly collecting valuables in his bag when he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching you."
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she's as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
Yo' Mama's breath is so nasty, it makes onions cry.
Drinking a non-alcoholic beer is like muffing your sister, it tastes the same but something's not right about it.
"Yo momma so stupid she steals free bread!"
Yo' Mama is so stupid, when she was pulled over for drunk driving and asked to walk a line, she said, "Which one?"
Yo mommas so stupid when she licked a dog she said meow.
Yo mama so stupid when she pays her bills she gives pennies to her cash.
Yo mama so heavy that when she went in the elevator as soon as one foot goes in falls strait to the bottom.
Your mom's so fat she sat on Big Lots and it turned into Lowes!!!
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Wife to husband: 'When I married you you said you had an ocean-going yacht!'
Husband: 'Shut up and row.'
Yo momma's mouth is so big, she speaks in surround sound.
Yo mamas so fat that she fought a war with her own farts.
If women knew what men were really thinking, they'd never stop slapping them.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Yo' Mama is so fat, she keeps her diaphragm in a pizza box.
He was so mean he used to give his children £1 each instead of an evening meal, then charged them £2 for breakfast.
I saw a tramp who was so broke he was standing on the corner shouting, 'Will work for cardboard and a magic marker!'
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
Our house was so small if we got a large pizza we had to go outside to eat it.
Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.
Yo Mama's so stupid because it too her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Yo' Mama is so redneck, the door mat to her trailer home doubles as a mad flap for her pick up truck.
Yo' Mama is so skanky, she went to a family reunion looking for a boyfriend.
There was a tragic end to the water polo championships – all the horses drowned.
Whiskey is a great drink – it makes you see double and feel single.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Yo' Mama is so uptight, you need the jaws of life to part her legs.
A young woman for whom a marriage with an old man was being arranged by her parents refused to go through with the ceremony because as she put it, " I don't want to feel old age creeping on me!"
Yo' Mama is so stupid, when she went to buy a color television, she left the store because they didn't have one in pink.
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she voted for a pit bull wearing lipstick.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
I dated a lawyer until she said, 'Stop, and/or I'll slap your face!'
She was so blonde that she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
I am currently experiencing an out-of-money experience.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
Anxiety: Getting up to see why the baby isn't crying.
A life? Cool... Where can I download one of those?
A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone.
Yo mamma so stupid she locked herself out of her motorcycle.
Your Momma is like Burger King "Have it Your Way".
Yo Mama's so stupid when she heard someone say it was chilly outside,she went and grabbed a size 20 bowl.
Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt.
When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought "Dunkin' Donuts" was a basketball team.
Yo Mama's like a fast food restaurant, she takes orders from the front and the back.
Yo mama so hairy when you were born you almost died of rugburn.
Yo mama so fat she wouldn't fit in 10,000 movie seat's.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR.
Always talk to your wife when you're making love – assuming there's a phone handy.
Yo Mama's so Web 2.0, she makes you call her Mothr!
Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!
Yo momma is so stupid when they asked her 1+1 she said "Ouch! it is a long story."
Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
Client: "The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like 'blorange'."
Yo Mama is like a hockey player, she doesn't change her pad for three periods.
I can honestly say in all our years of friendship, I have never heard anyone question John's intelligence, to be perfectly honest I never heard anyone even mention any intelligence on John's part.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
"Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions"
A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
It's people that give drinking a bad name.
A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
"Waiter, these noodles are a bit crunchy."
Waiter: "That's because they're the chopsticks, sir."
Liquor may be a slow poison, but who's in a hurry?
Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog What's wrong with that I think I'm going to croak
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm turning into a frog Your just playing too much croquet!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a butterfly Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!
Definition of Divorce: The future tense of marriage.
This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"
believe that the members of the dental profession are the only men who can tell a women to open or close her mouth and get away with it.
Where does the dentist get his gas?...At the filling station
What was the dentist doing in Panama?...Looking for the Root Canal
What game did the dentist play when she was a child?...Caps and robbers
And then there was the UCLA professor who opened up his vest, pulled out his tie and wet his pants.
I wouldn't say that Christmas gnomes are cross-eyed, but when they cry the tears run down their back!
I wouldn't say Christmas gnomes are ugly, But if beauty's skin deep then they were was born inside out!
Doctor, Doctor I'm scared of Father Christmas Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.
Son to his father as they watch television: "Dad, tell me again how when you were a kid you had to walk all the way across the room to change the channel."
Teacher: Name four members of the cat family Pupil: Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens!
A boy sat on a train chewing gum and staring vacantly into space, when suddenly an old woman sitting opposite said, 'It's no good you talking to me, young man, I'm stone deaf!'
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour? - Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long.-
There was once a high-powered businessman who insisted on taking his three secretaries everywhere with him - a tall one for writing longhand, a short one for taking down shorthand, and a very small one for adding footnotes.
My husband's business is rather up-and-down - he makes yo-yos.
I'm always delighted when people stick their noses in my business - my company makes paper tissues.
When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men he said he couldn't increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men he'd fire them.
A man is captured by cannibals, every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food.Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "Hey, you can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks!"
A cannibal's dilemma: If God didn't want us to eat people, why did he make them out of meat?
Seasons Greetings by Mary Christmas
How to Get There by Ridya Bike
This blonde is so stupid, she called me to get my telephone number!
Did you hear about the blonde that invented the solar flashlight?
A blonde tried to blow up her husband's car, but burned her lips on the tailpipe.
I offered a blonde a penny for her thoughts.... she gave me change!
A blonde once shot an arrow into the air... but missed!
Charley wanted to buy Farley a birthday cake, but he couldn't figure out how to get the cake in the typewriter so he could type 'Happy Birthday'
"This birthday cake certainly is crunchy."
"Maybe you should spit out the plate!"
"Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
"Next time, take off the candles."
A man who forgets his wife's birthday is certain to get something to remember her by.
Last night I dreamt I was dancing with the most beautiful girl in the world What was I wearing?
My boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful Well they do say that love is blind!
She's the kind of girl that boys look at twice - they can't believe it the first time.
Don't look out of the window, Betty, people will think it's Halloween.
Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."
When a baby is learning to eat, shouldn't he have an L-plate?
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
Conversation between two accountants at a cocktail party: ".......and ninthly..."
The accountant's prayer: Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time.
If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a pice of buttered toast on the back of a cat and dropped it?
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would perform illegal operations and crash.
Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to: 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4) On a Pentium, all of the above Number 4.
"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you."
Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take two."
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
Computers manufacturer is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
Got this email from a friend: CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?
I overheard a woman in a computer store say to the sales assistant "I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play, too."
If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed... Oh, wait a minute, he already does.
A pig's favorite movie: The Monster That Ate New York.
She's so ugly that when a wasp stings her it shuts its eyes.
Redmond, WA - Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Spain at the 2014 World Cup.
If the Eskimos have a thousand different words for "snow", do the French have a thousand different words for "surrender"?
Why can't Norwegians tell jokes Timing
When life hands you lemons, you should question your sanity.
My drunk friend was kicked out of Karaoke for singing "Danger Zone" 7 times in a row.
He had exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.
Here is a joke for all the mind readers and psychics.
If life gives you lemons, you can't really make anything because you lack the proper materials.
Maybe every nation has ninjas, and the Japanese ninjas are just the worst.
Chuck Norris doesn't wait in traffic, he takes the subway
In Soviet Russia, the government kills with famine and genocide.
A show horse jumps over a bar.
So Mel Gibson walks into a bar, and then everyone left.
Your mother is so fat that people make rude comments about her behind her back, but they shouldn't because she's a really nice lady.
Your mom is so fat she should be concerned about her increased risk of heart failure.
Your mom is so dumb that all of society says she was poorly educated.
A man walks into a bar but didn't say anything because he is mute.
3 men walk into a bar, and the fourth guy behind them had the sense to duck under it.
Chuck Norris Isn't That tuff if he was he would come to my house and slam my head in they keyboaredehfiu;qbg;qebnuighqije9qp8ubwrsijpa
We were hooking up and her mom walked in, I stood up, apologized and left
Take my wife. . . . to the hospital. She is dying from a gunshot wound to the head.
Your mom is so dumb, she has difficulty acquiring a job to support her family.
Your Mother is so ugly that men tend to avoid her.
Your mothers so dumb that when she had to take a math test, she received a significantly lower grade than the rest of her classmates.
Do knock-knock jokes apply to homeless people?
Your mother is so fat the she is clinically obese.
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, pays, and leaves.
Your mom is so fat, when she sweats, it is more than the normal amount of sweat.
Life is like swimming. When you drown you die.
Ashton Kutcher meets a fine cougar at a bar and the cougar fatally wounded his throat.
A priest, a Rabi, and a Monk walk out of the bar and go home.
Your momma's so fat that when she uses a hoolahoop, she can't use it, she is fat.
Your mom is so dumb that she failed to pass her 11th grade year, forcing her to drop out to get a GED and spend the rest of her life at a dead end job
Your mom is so stupid she had a hard time graduating high school.
A midget walked under a bar.
Your momma's so broke she might be eligible for government assistance. Seriously she should totally look into it.
yo mama's so ugly, it affects her self esteem.
Your momma is so fat that she has really high cholesterol but also an undoubtedly warm personality.
Your mother is so fat that unfortunately she can not fit into her picture for her passport and is not allowed to leave the country to go visit her dying mother.
Yo mama is so fat she probably has diabetes, poor circulation in her extremities, and cannot ride anything at Disney World.
yo mama is so fat, she should seriously consider gastric bypass surgery, morbid obesity is extremely detrimental to one's health
If you say gullible over and over again, it sounds like stupidity.
A man looks both ways before crossing the street. He gets hit by an airplane.
Your mother is so fat that she will die relatively early because of poor health.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a water because he's the designated driver
An orphan walks into a bar. The bartender calls Child Protective Services and is given to a nice foster family.
Rick Ross is so fat, that he is fatter than someone who isn't as fat as he is.
Two women are sitting quietly in a corner, minding their own business.
YO MOMMA SO FAT... that it is really beginning to be an issue.
Your mom is so fat she has type 2 diabetes.
Yo mama is so old, that it's becoming apparent that she is most likely developing severe senile dementia
Whats big, yellow and red? a school bus with a bunch of dead children.
your mama is so stupid I believe she will have a difficult time finding employment in these rough economic times
A man falls into a lake but no one is around to help him, luckily the man can swim so he got out of the lake and went home feeling embarrassed
Two men walk into a bar, the third man ducks.
Yo momma's so fat, she slipped into a diabetic coma.
Your mother is so fat that I'm starting to worry about her health.
3 Blondes walk into a bar. One ducks, the other two are hospitalized with mild concussions
Your momma's so fat that when she uses a hoolahoop, she gets tired after one try and has to stop.
Yo mama is so fat, she is thinking of going on a diet.
You're momma's so fat, she's got high cholesterol.
A man walks into a bar and slowly draws a pistol and kills 5 people.
Yo momma's so poor, that when she went to the soup kitchen, she got food.
Your mother is so fat that she got diabetes and later died of an unrelated illness.
I see London, I see France, I am in an airplane on my way to Europe.
The awkward moment when a joke doesn't end the way you think it dinosaur.
My mother in Law is so ugly I actually feel quite sorry for her.
Your mom is so fat that it's becoming a serious health concern...
A Pole walks into a bar and gets annexed by Germany.
A man walks into a bar and dies.
Don't you hate it when you're reading a sentence and it doesn't end how you testicles.
A creationist, an evolutionist, and Neanderthal Man walk into a bar. They order two beers and a glass of red wine. The bartender asks: "Will that be all?". The evolutionist says "Yes"
you mother is so stupid that it takes her quite a while to understand jokes
Your momma is so old, it's just irresponsible of her not to have regular doctor appointments. Health should always come first.
yo momma is so fat her doctor recommended a new healthy diet.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "How'd you open the door?"
A bear walks into a bar, mauls every one in it, then is shot to death by animal control.
Sometimes people get confused when sentences don't end the way they elephant.
Your mother is so fat, that she's working really hard to get back in shape so that she can support her family.
Your momma's of a reasonable figure and weight.
Your momma is so fat that she is on a diet and exercises regularly.
friends are like potatoes. if you eat them, they die.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are driving in a car. They're on their way to the mall, or something.
Last night I saw an elephant in my pajamas. I don't know why I went to the zoo in my pajamas.
Your mother is so ugly that when she looks in the mirror she feels bad about her appearance.
You know you are from New York when you live in Manhattan.
Your mom is so ugly, she buys groceries at the grocery store.
Your mom was so stupid that she went back to school and now she is graduated with a degree.
A kid walked in to a bar, grabbed a napkin, and left
Yo mamma's so black, and that's ok. We're all different and unique.
Yo mama's so fat, we are all extremely concerned for her health.
Your dad is so fat that he is on a diet.
Yo momma's so nice that she baked cookies for us. Please tell her I said thanks.
Your mom is so hot your daddy married her and they lived happily ever after
if I could change the alphabet, I wouldn't its perfectly fine the way it is.
Your mother is so fat that her body takes up more space than the average woman.
Yo mama is so fat, when she went for a swim at the beach, she had a GREAT time.
Your Mother is so kind that when I see her I say hello and ask her how she has been.
Yo mama so ugly people don't like to look at her.
A blind man walks off a cliff.
Your mama is so fat she has to buy plus sized clothes.
Three minorities walk into a bar and are treated poorly
A blonde walks into a hairdressers salon. She gets her hair cut.
A blind man can't see this joke, so I probably shouldn't write it..
Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
There was a blonde, brunette and a red head on an island. The blonde was on holiday, the brunette lived there and the red head was there on business, it was a very large and industrial island.
A duck walks into a bar and is quickly shooed away because it is unsanitary to have a duck in a bar.
You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends. But you can't rob a bank. That's a felony.
Three head lice are drinking beer on a scalp, then they are killed by a high strength medical shampoo.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out as animals are not allowed.
Yo momma so fat she went on the Subway diet and is now exercising regularly to lose weight.
If Chuck Norris has $5 and you have $5, you both have the same amount of money
Chuck Norris walked into a bar. He was greeted with much respect considering he was a talented actor.
Stephen Hawkings walks into a bar.
Yo mama's so old, she might die soon
A dyslexic man walked into a bar, ordered a beer, and no one was aware of his affliction.
Your mother is so stupid that she was tested and proved to be mentally retarded.
If life throws you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Three blind mice walk into a pub. They are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humor from it would be exploitative.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "why the long face?". The horse replies "My wife is dying of terminal cancer."
Your momma's so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The duck doesn't say anything because its a duck.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Yo momma is so fat, when she plays football she plays offense and defense.
Yo momma is so fat, she could sell shade.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
An Intel PC has four protections modes: Abort, Retry, Fail and Reboot.
Yo momma is so greasy, she sweats Crisco!
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
Yo Momma is so stupid, she traded in her car for gas money!
Yo momma is so fat, she stepped on a scale and she saw her phone number.
Yo momma is so ugly, she'd scare the monster out of Loch Ness.
Married men live longer than a single men, but married men are lot more willing to die!
one day I found a dinosaur named Matthew Espinosa
Yo momma is so fat, she has to use a boomerang to put on her belt!
I have an inferiority complex, it's just not a very good one.
After chuck norris visited the virgin Isles they had to rename them the Isles.
Yo momma is so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
Yo momma is so old, when God said "Let there be light!" she flipped the switch.
Yo momma is so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo momma is so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone.
Yo momma is so fat, it took me two planes and a bus to get to her good side!
Yo momma is so stupid she can't pass a blood test.
Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups, he pushes the Earth down.
Yo momma is so ugly when she went into a bank they turned off the security cameras.
Yo momma is so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother in Law.
Yo momma is so dumb she thought a quarter back was a refund!
A Scottish captain once lent the referee a coin for the toss and demanded his whistle as security.
Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong?
Yo Momma is so fat, her watch is Big Ben.
Yo momma is so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
The U.S Military has stopped dropping bombs in Iraq, and started dropping Chuck Norris, because he's cheaper and he does more damage.
I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word "mother in Law" you get the words "woman Hitler".
Absolute zero is really cool.
The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.
Yo momma is so dirty, that she was banned from a sewage facility because of sanitation worries!
Yo momma is so greasy, Texaco buys Oil from her!
Yo Momma is so fat, when she told me her weight, I thought it was her credit card number!
Yo Momma is like a bus, she's big, she doesn't smell very good and it's only a dollar to ride!
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
Yo momma is so fat that her driver's license says: "Picture continued on other side!"
Yo momma is so fat even Chuck Norris can't beat her up!
Yo momma is so ugly, when she got in the tub, the water jumped out.
Yo momma is so fat when she was lying on the beach Green Peace tried to push her back in the water.
Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows.
Windows 95: The first program, having its best-before-date include in its name.
Yo momma is so fat, when she bends over we go into daylight savings time.
To err is human; effective mayhem requires the root password!
Yo momma is so poor, when I ring the doorbell she says "DING!"
PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts every day.
Yo momma is so stupid, she puts lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.
Yo momma is so fat, she needs planning permission to sit down.
Yo momma is so ugly when she was born, her mother said: "What a treasure!" and her father said: "Yea lets go bury it!"
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Yo momma is so ugly, on halloween, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone!
Yo momma is so bald you can see whats on her mind.
Hmm it looks like your site ate my first comment it was extremely ecebddbacbcbddee
Yo momma's glasses are so thick, she can see into the future.
Chuck Norris does not take showers, he just takes bloodbaths.
Your mumma's so fat when she goes to McDonald's they ask her what she doesn't want!
Yo momma is so ugly, even the tide won't come back in.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in God, but God believes in Chuck Norris.
Yo momma is so gassy, she started global warming!
Yo momma is so fat she don't have to go on the internet, she is already world wide!
4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need any aspirin.
If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.
Yo momma is so old, I told her to act her own age and she died.
Yo momma is so dumb she got hit by a parked car.
Yo momma is so stupid she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
Yo momma is so fat, she has her own area code.
Yo momma is so fat. She puts on lipstick with a paint roller.
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
Yo momma is so dumb she threw a stone at the ground and missed.
Yo momma is so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.
Yo momma is so fat, when she gets on the scale it says "To be continued."
Woman: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
Any married man should forget his mistakes because there is no use in remembering two people the same thing.
Yo momma is so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
The sun sets from fear of Chuck Norris.
Yo momma is so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.
Phone answering machine message: "If you want to purchase some weed, press the hash key!"
The Titanic didn't hit an iceberg, it got roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.
Yo momma is so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention.
Yo momma is so fat, the horse on her polo shirt is real.
Artificial Intelligence stands no chance against Natural Stupidity.
Yo momma is so ugly I took her to the zoo and the guy at the gate said: "Thanks for bringing her back!"
Yo momma so ugly, she asked for Trump's number, and he said, "Request denied!"
Your momma's so hairy it looks like shes got buckwheat in a headlock
Yo momma is so poor, I walked into her house, asked to use the bathroom, and she said "3rd tree to your right."
Yo mama is so stupid, that she tucks the sleeping pills in every night so they will remain sleeping!
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Yo momma is so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.
Yo momma is so hairy, the only language she speaks is wookiee.
Yo momma is so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Chuck Norris invented the spoon because killing somebody with a knife is too easy.
Yo momma is so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
Linux - the ideal operating system for CPUs that are never powered up.
Yo momma is so fat, she uses a mattress as a tampon.
Yo momma is so fat, every time she farts people think there's an earthquake!
Police Quote: "In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Yo momma is so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each timezone.
To give you an idea of the kind of season we've had, the person who handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed.
Yo momma is so fat when she steps on a scale it says "Whoa, whoa, one at a time please!"
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!
There are two times a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
If Noah had been smart he would have swatted those two flies.
Last night the local peeping Tom knocked on my mother in Law's door, and asked her to shut her blinds.
Yo momma has so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail!
The two most common things in universe are hydrogen and bureaucracy.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
A zen buddhist goes to a hotdog truck and says "Please, make me one with everything."
I hate being bipolar, it's great!
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Like changing coins - I always desired to change my 60 old years wife to three 20 years girls!
Some magicians can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.
While vacationing in France, Chuck Norris went out for a casual bike ride and accidentally won the Tour de France.
Chuck Norris can experience a once in a life time occurrence... twice.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
Even after muting "Walker, Texas Ranger", you can still hear Chuck Norris's victims screaming after getting roundhouse kicked.
If you carefully examine your health insurance policy, you will see that there is no cover for "Chuck Norris related incidents".
Yo momma's so fat; she's on both sides of the family!
Yo mama so old that when she went to the museum, people thought she was part of an exhibit.
My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.
Some people should consider having multiple Facebook accounts to go along with their multiple personalities.
Your mom is so stupid she thought Nickelback was a refund.
Yo mama so fat she don't take pictures, she takes posters.
Yo' Mama so fat, I can stand on her belly and high-five God.
Yo mamma so fat she walked into the upside down and it immediately turn right side up-
Yo mama is so fat Donald Trump used her as the wall.
You will never have more energy or enthusiasm, hair, or brain cells than you have today.
Yo Momma's so stupid, she ordered a cheeseburger without the cheese.
Yo mama so fat she was in a parallel universe.
I love math - it makes people cry.
Yo mama so fat even Donald Trump can't make as big of a wall as her.
Yo momma's so old her first job was as Cain and Abel' babysitter.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
You will never see a car worth over $10,000 with an Obama sticker on the back.
After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.
Yo mama's so lactose intolerant, human kindness makes her throw up!
Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
A Frenchman stays and fights
A man walks into a bar, the bartender goes why do you have a cane? The man goes "I'm blind."
Yo momma is so fat, when she wears a bathing suit, people are like, wow, that woman is fat.
Your Mother is so stupid that not only can she not perform basic mathematical sums, but she frequently makes spelling errors
An elephant and a llama walk into a bar. Realizing that they must have broken out of the local zoo, all of the people run out of the bar screaming.
Yo mama's so poor she is on welfare.
Your mom is so fat that when she dives into a pool she displaces a proportionately larger volume of water than people with less body mass.
Yo momma is so dark, that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.
Yo momma is so ugly, she makes blind children cry.
Every restaurant has a drive thru when you're riding shotgun with Chuck Norris.
You momma so stupid I see her walking the pigs down the street I'd asked "What she doing?" And she said "Going piggy back riding"!